


The ultimate catfight

by SweetAlphaChild



Series: Tobidei Week 2018 [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on Bon Jovi the cat vines compilation, Cats, Crack, Domestic Fluff, Hidan (Naruto) Swears, Humor, Jashin is a thai cat, M/M, Mentions of social media, This fic is a tribute to my late cat Monna, TobiDei Week, TobiDei Week 2018, Zetsu is a chimera cat, as always, forever loved, which I'm not advertising in any way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-20 11:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16136309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetAlphaChild/pseuds/SweetAlphaChild
Summary: Is winning what counts. Or perhaps making Hidan get naked in public. Whatever.





	The ultimate catfight

**Author's Note:**

> Tobidei week 2018
> 
> Day 7: Lazy sunday and cats

Deidara pointed his cell phone at Zetsu, who was sleeping on the sofa, curled up in a ball.

"Hello Zetsu, how's your Sunday doing you lazy shit?" he cooed, holding the phone closer and closer to the cat's face. "It's time to greet your fans, come here, hm."

The peculiar black and white feline opened his mismatched eyes, one greenish, the other yellow. He watched Deidara with disgust, licking his nose.

"Deidara, don't bother him! Can't you see he was napping?" Obito said behind him.

"Zetsu is an internet star, and as such he has obligations!" he said, Zetsu who snarled when he got picked up. Deidara sat him on his lap and put his face next to the cat's. "Say hello to your fans, Zetsu! Let them see what good friends we are-! OW!"

With another snarl louder than the previous one, Zetsu slapped him in the face, jumped to the ground and hid behind the curtain that led to the balcony.

"That's how he shows affection, actually," Deidara informed, before stopping the recording.

Thanks to these daily videos, Deidara's arms had ended up with more scratches than he could count, in different phases of the healing process. But the video he uploaded three days ago in which he placed a superhero toy riding Zetsu's back until it pissed him off and savaged his hand, had reached two thousand five hundred reproductions, and Deidara wanted to prove he could do better than that.

"You're so mean to him," Obito sighed, more aware of him than of the tv series he was watching. "Someday he'll hurt you for real."

"Zetsu loves me, I know it," Deidara replied, busy editing the video before uploading it to his Instagram account.

"You should just admit you do it for the likes."

"Exactly, a lot of likes means that the world loves Zetsu too, I can't deny them that, hm."

Once satisfied with the edition, he saved the file and uploaded it. The first reactions and comments didn't take long. Zetsu was really becoming a cat celebrity. Chimera cats were a rarity and attracted attention to people.

He left the phone beside him to examine the claw marks on his face. The area was swollen, but there seemed to be no wound. Everything was fine. The flashing light of his phone button let him know that he had just received more notifications, but it was only Hidan being jealous, how rare of him.

"Your flea bag has nothing to do with JASHIN, the goddess of cats. #jashinsama #thefuckingboss. "

He tightened his lips annoyed, while he wrote an answer. Who did this idiot think he was? Deidara already knew he loved to pick on him, but he wasn't going to let him use his cat as an excuse.

"You're just jealous because Zetsu is more popular."

Hidan replied right away.

"People don't see your videos because of your ugly cat, they see them to make fun of the way you let yourself get scratched by him. Stop it and admit that you're into s&m, Dei. "

"Is something the matter?" Obito asked when he heard him growl.

"Hidan is a jerk, hm!"

"Well, everyone knows that by now, "he answered, turning his attention back to the series he was watching.

"He's talking shit about Zetsu!"

Obito looked at him again, eyes wide.

"What!? He's going to regret it!"

After moving to his side, he snatched the phone from his hands. Deidara was too intrigued watching him write to react.

"SAY SORRY TO ZETSU RIGHT NOW."

They both looked at the cell phone, waiting for an answer.

"Awww ... You got mad!"

"Don't overreact! Now he's gonna think it was me who said that!"

Obito ignored him, too concentrated on writing.

"Let's let people decide which cat is better! I'll upload a picture of Zetsu, the one that gets the biggest amount of likes will win this duel!"

"Prepare to be penetrated anally without lube, Dei."

"I swear to you that next time I see him I'm gonna...!" Deidara threatened, looking at what Obito was writing.

"This is Obito. And the only abused anus here will be yours."

"I feel that this has nothing to do with cats anymore. But Hidan needs someone to put him in his place, hm."

"We will do it, he should never have said that last thing! We have to get a good picture of Zetsu!" Obito said, getting up. "Where is he gone?"

"To the balcony. Give me the phone, I'll take it. An artist like me will take the best picture."

When he reached out to take his phone, Obito put it out of his reach.

"No way. You torture him daily, he trusts me more."

"What!? I don't torture him, I show him my love! Obito, give me the phone! It's mine! And it's my account the one we're gonna upload it to! I can't believe you're taking this more seriously than me!"

While Deidara complained non-stop, Obito took Zetsu's photo lying under some geraniums. It was a good picture, but Deidara wasn't going to admit it.

"All right, let's tag this, make it look good," Obito said, back on the couch. "And a good text too, something like: Zetsu, you will not see two cats in one every day. Vote for Zetsu!"

Someone in a comment told Deidara once Zetsu looked like two siamese twins perfectly joined in half. He liked that theory and considered it valid. It used to shock people every time he explained it.

"Good, now let's advertise it, hm."

"Yes. I'll send a message to all your contacts right now."

"Do it, but give me my phone already."

Deidara was starting to get annoyed. After sending the message to everyone, Obito gave it to him and took his from the table.

"Now I'll vote," he said. "By the way, I haven't seen our enemy yet. I'm going to take a look to see what we're up against."

"So, let's see if he has already uploaded the photo, hm," said Deidara, moving to his side.

When they went to Hidan's account, they saw he had already uploaded it. Jashin was a Thai cat with a white pearl necklace.

"Awww! Our enemy is so cute!" Obito complained. "Hidan deserves to lose, but look at those big eyes she has! I feel bad now!"

"No, Obito! Stay strong! Come on, start sending messages to your contacts."

The first notes started arriving at Deidara's phone.

"QueenKurotsuchi: The victory is yours, Deidara-nii!"

Akatsuchi also left his like but didn't comment. Well, everything was fine. The next message he received was from Sasori.

"If you want me to vote for your cat, you must admit in front of everyone that art is eternal."

"Look what this idiot says!" Unbelieveable, Deidara showed Obito his phone. "Never gonna say something like that like ever!"

"Do it, Deidara. Zetsu needs every vote."

"Ha! I have principles anyway, hm!" He crossed his arms. He preferred to lose that vote.

The conversation couldn't continue, because now it was Obito who looked furious staring at his cell phone.

"Damn Stupidkashi, this is the last time I ask him a favor!"

Deidara looked at his screen to read.

"Is this what you're doing instead of studying for your partials, Obito?"

"What does it matter to him what I do in my free time!? That's what I'm going to answer!"

"Actually, he's right, hm."

Too busy writing furiously, Obito didn't answer.

"You shouldn't have called me Stupidkashi. That's just why I'll vote for the other cat."

"Why does he have to be so annoying!?" Obito shouted. "I wish I hadn't asked him!"

"Stop asking for favors to your useless friends, at this rate we will lose!"

Another note came to Obito's phone.

"Rin replied! Surely she won't disappoint us!"

"All right. Has she already voted for Zetsu?"

"She says the two cats were very cute, so she voted for both of them. Nooo! Why, Rin!?"

Deidara rolled his eyes, with a weary grunt.

"And you used to fancy her!?"

"That was in junior high, Deidara...! Ah, wait, my cousin Itachi answered! Ugh, I don't know why I had to ask him too."

"Don't tell me, he didn't want to vote. Your cousin sucks, hm."

"Worst! He says he likes Jashin more, so he must be fair and stick to the truth and voted for her."

"All right. I'm going to kill him."

"And I'm not going to stop you," Obito said.

Several notes at once arrived to Zetsu's picture.

"Oh, at least Sasuke behaved decently. Who would believe it of an Uchiha, hm?"

"H-hey...!" Obito protested. "Did Sasuke really vote?"

Deidara nodded, showing him the phone.

"He says he was going to do the opposite of what Itachi voted. And he brought some friends to vote too. This Naruto guy says he prefers toads but Zetsu is the coolest cat he has ever seen."

"Naruto is the son of my old sensei! I knew he would vote for Zetsu!"

Curious to see how Hidan was doing, Deidara went to his picture. It seemed that he was also having problems with his voters. That Kakuzu guy, asking him in the comments how much he was going to pay for his vote. He was tempted to get into his public argument.

"Tell him if he doesn't pay you, you will vote for me."

He laughed, imagining if Hidan would be willing to pay money for votes.

"I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A SINGLE YEN YOU GREEDY FUCK. BESIDES IM GONNA CURSE YOU RIGHT NOW! MAY YOU HAVE PILES SO BIG THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT IN A YEAR. "

That gave him an idea. If Hidan got votes threatening people, he could do something as well.

"I'm thinking," he told Obito, "that I could offer a gift to those who vote for me, hm."

"And I was thinking maybe you should tell Sasori that art is eternal, even if you don't think it is."

"No!"

Even if that meant losing, he'd never do that.

"But it will be a lie! We need that vote!"

"I said no. And do not even think about nicking my phone and saying it in my name."

Obito looked at him offended.

"Me? I would never do something like that!"

"Well, I think that's exactly what you were thinking, hm."

"What did you say about offering a gift?" Obito asked, changing the subject.

"Well, maybe I should offer something in exchange for votes. For example a strip tease. People who see my channel might be interested in it."

"Good idea, I'll steal the video and I'll have it just for me."

"That's not the point! The point is to interest them to make them vote for Zetsu, hm!"

Deidara opened Twitter and made the announcement. He was sure more people would vote for Zetsu now."

"I have a better idea, I trade your strip tease video for a video of mine!" Obito insisted. But only you can see it."

"Hmm... It's a good offer, if you're serious. But I already announced it."

"Okay, I plan to steal that video anyway," Obito informed him.

"At least my strategy is better than just threatening," Deidara checked Hidan's account, and didn't like what he was seeing"That idiot is copying me! Look!"

"If you vote for Jashin, I will do a full strip tease at the public place of your choice. Kiss the victor's ass, blondie."

"The only one who can kiss Deidara's ass here is me!" Obito shouted at the phone. "It seems that I didn't leave it clear enough before, I will remind him."

"Well, I don't intend to throw a better offer in. So we're done, hm."

"We'll have to cheat!" Obito exclaimed. "I will vote for Zetsu with my fake accounts!"

"Are you "Tobi" and "Tobiko", hm?"

"Yes, those are my accounts."

"Are you the one who wrote "Deidara is the sexiest and I need that strip tease to live?" Because it sounds like you."

Obito shrugged.

"It's true."

From the moment Hidan published his prize, the amount of likes in Jashin's photo skyrocketed with respect to Zetsu's, which went up more slowly. Deidara and Obito had already lost interest in the competition and went to order takeaway and watch a movie.

"Do you think he's going to do it?" said Obito. "The striptease."

"Yes. Hidan has no shame. If he wins, I will vote for the Shibuya station as a place for him to undress."

"It's a good place. I want to see if he can make it before the cops come to arrest him."

"He is looking forward to it. That's for sure."

Hidan won by hundreds of votes of difference with respect to Zetsu. Seeing how expensive it had cost him, Deidara didn't care that much about losing. Everyone was watching him now, and if he didn't keep his promise, it would be bad for his reputation.

That night, they both headed to the bedroom to go to sleep, and found Zetsu curled up in the middle of the bed Obito smiled, stroking his neck.

"Look how he sleeps, looks like a little angel."

"I still thinks he looks more like a demon, hm. A very ugly one."

Deidara tickled his belly, causing Zetsu to hold to his arm with his paws and bite him while he kicked his back legs.

"Then you complain that he hates you, but look how you treat him!"

"Ow, ow, ow. Don't get mad at me Zetsu, come on, give me a hug," Deidara said, squeezing the cat in his arms. "Let's be friends again! Zetsu!"

After a slap and a hiss, Zetsu jumped out of his arms growling as he fled the room. Obito put his arms around him, pressing harder and harder.

"And if I treat you like you treat him?"

"I don't care. Ha."

"Are you sure...?" Obito squeezed more while tickling his belly.

Deidara had to stay strong.

"Yep."

And harder.

"Are you really sure?"

"Hm..."

"Are you really, really, sure?"

"...Yes," he said, almost out of breath.

AFTERMATH

Two days later, Hidan uploaded the promised video, running along the pavement while taking all his clothes off. He got his five minutes of fame in the local news. Unfortunately, he fled before they could arrest him.

**Author's Note:**

> So, tobidei week is over! I had a lot of fun and glad there's now a lot more content for the couple. <3  
> In http://tobideiweek.tumblr.com you'll find all the tributes for the couple, there are amazing contributions this year, go and have a look :D  
> This fic is a tribute to a cat I used to have, a Thai cat just like Jashin. She passed away a few years ago while I was traveling and never got to say goodbye to her.


End file.
